It’s late. Nearly midnight. But I had to write this while it was still fresh in my mind.
It’s great being back in my hometown. It’s sort of like my life coming full circle. I think our nation is at one of those moments in history. We have the chance to change things for the better. And this is probably where I should be at such a moment.
Being back home has also been an opportunity for reflection on my life and struggles. There are episodes in my past I haven’t thought about for years that have come back to me since returning home.
Ten years ago I was an international student in summer school at the University of Madrid in Spain. I met a lot of wonderful people there. I made friends I’d thought I’d have forever, but most of us have drifted apart from one another. One has remained though despite everything.
We often went out in groups, seeing the sights, going to clubs, trying all the food - including McDonald’s gazpacho - and just having a great time. Another student and I became close and as we were preparing to head back to the United States, she confessed that her interests in me were more than platonic. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I know that I told her the feelings weren’t mutual. I know I wasn’t very kind about it. And I know that it hurt her.
What took even more time to realize was that I hurt myself. I had deceived her. It wasn’t an outright lie, but I had been dishonest with myself. I knew it wouldn’t work out between us, but I wouldn’t say why. My dishonesty and cowardice had reached beyond me to hurt someone else - someone who didn’t deserve to be treated that way.
Less than two years later I came to terms with my sexual orientation. For a long time I had known I was gay, but I fought it every step of the way. It was not only a battle that couldn’t be won, but a battle that shouldn’t have been fought. Sitting alone in my barracks room, thinking about the lies and excuses I had given her on that patio in Madrid, I decided I would never do that to anyone again. She didn’t deserve that. My reformation would start with me being honest with myself.
Comments 1
I’ve heard great thoughts come to mind late late at night. Very nice that you wrote this. Your friend will get over it. Even though her feelings were hurt and you feeling guilty for hurting her by being dishonest, imagine how much worst it could’ve been for the both of you if you would of married her, thinking under pressure at that time it would be the “right” thing to do…like I almost did! Lord knows how much worse it could’ve been if a child(ren) was involved. The lies and sufferings could of been catastrophic. Life is a learning process. Most of us learn from our past. You’ve learned yours and now you can “honestly” say, from here forward, to anyone that comes your way, and with great pride, who Pepe is. I know because I’ve seen you do it, and that makes you a great man
Posted 23 Mar 2009 at 5:07 am ¶Post a Comment
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