Integrity News

As many of you know, I drove to Washington, DC, earlier this month and stopped by my hometown to visit family. My mother asked me to take some of my stuff she had put in storage. Among other things, I found a back-up CD I had made of my hard drive when I was in the Army. I kept a journal of sorts and wrote a lot about what I was going through especially coming out while serving under Don’t ask, Don’t tell. I had a lot of conflict trying to reconcile my religious faith with my sexual orientation. Here’s something I wrote about it:

I stood on the back porch. It was a cool morning, but not so cool that I should wear a jacket. I was wearing a shirt and tie, waiting to leave for church. I was always the first one ready. I had a few moments to myself every Sunday morning on the porch. The smooth, worn boards were painted blue. Four by four columns painted white supported the roof. I leaned on a column and looked out over our backyard. Down the hill, you could see fields with tall grass. They used to be gardens but were now untended and the hay was uncut.

Thoughts and ideas swam through my head like comets and stars through the universe. Sometimes I pondered the great mysteries of life, but not often. Usually I looked at myself. I was trying to understand me. These things that I felt and could not control drove me insane. How could it be? Why did I feel this way? How could I control it? My frustrations multiplied. In church, they preached against it. If the Bible says it’s wrong, then it must be wrong. I had not developed the idea that man interprets the Bible and not always correctly.

I didn’t know where to turn to. I felt alone and lost. I turned to God and asked Him to take away this affliction. I couldn’t understand why He did not. It took years to realize the truth. God made me who I am and what I am and that is the truth. I was rebelling against God. I was denying His creation and His infinite wisdom. In my attempts to follow what man taught, I was sinning against God.

I had always felt a stranger in my own skin - like an alien inhabiting a body. Once I accepted the truth, I became myself. I am now free to follow God’s plan for me. I wait for Him to show me what exactly He expects of me. Before I prayed that He would take away my feelings and desires. Now I pray that He will fulfill them. I also know that He expects something in return. I wish He would let me know what He wants. The sooner we strike a bargain, the happier I will be.

I still feel alone, but not lost. I don’t know every turn to take in my journey, but I have the most accurate GPS known to man. That is, GPS - God’s Plan for my Soul. I wait patiently and quietly. In each moment I look to God for guidance and try to follow His will.